Innocent Guilt
by StarShinobi
Summary: What could have happened in 'All in the Family' because of Danny's guilt? Alternative to an anticlimactic ending. Flack, Danny, and Mac friendship. DL. Lots and lots of drama. Doesn't correlate with later episodes. Branch of the 'What if' series in CSI:LV
1. Ramification

Hey!! StarShinobi here with yet another new fic! I've been working on this one for a while and thanks to my beta/roommate **RyanLaurel**. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. If you do, review and the chapters will come out fast. (On Monday if I get a bunch over the weekend).

FOR THE WHOLE SERIES!!

Disclaimer: Haha, if I owned CSI:NY or it's characters, I would be able to pay for college, but since I don't...

Warnings: Angst, violence, drama, yadda, yadda, yadda...

* * *

"It is quite gratifying to feel guilty if you haven't done anything wrong: how noble! Whereas it is rather hard and certainly depressing to admit guilt and to repent."

-Hannah Arendt

* * *

"I always knew you were a dirty cop, Messer, and now I have the proof I need to finally get you off of my squad!" yelled the Captain at the dirty blonde haired cop who sat in front of him. He had dreamed of this day ever since Danny had shot that undercover; to watch the dirtball squirm in the interrogation room. Unfortunately, his dream was incomplete; Danny didn't even show a hint of fear.

He did, however, look as though he hadn't slept in days. Large, black circles hung under his tired looking blue eyes. His hair was unkept but not messy, and his head lay in his hands, his elbows on his knees. Danny had been kept in the interrogation room for more than three hours and he was tired, hungry, and irritated. He wanted nothing more than to get a cup of coffee, but he knew that wasn't happening. The Captain was bound and determined to get a confession out of him.

"Better yet, I'm gonna put your sorry ass in jail and off of my streets. I'll make sure you sit there until you rot, if not get the needle." He smiled wickedly down at the man.

Danny looked at the man with an angry glare. "I didn't do it. There's no proof. You couldn't put me in jail if you tried."

"The bullet that killed her was from your gun and you had motive!" he yelled slamming his hand down on the metal table, intending to intimidate Danny, but it wasn't successful. "Lucy Scott fired the gun that killed that kid that you seemed to like so much. So, you decided to get back at her for causing his death by shooting her, point blank in the skull while she was at home."

"I reported that my gun was stolen from my apartment a week ago," said Danny, keeping his voice very calm. Mac had warned him to watch his temper; the Captain wanted him to lose it, but Danny was tired and he could feel his resolve starting to deteriorate. "I filed a report with my supervisor and was issued a replacement, either permanently or until my weapon was found. I went to the grocery store last Tuesday after work to pick up some things. When I can back, my door had been forced open and my firearm was missing from it's holster. The night shift CSI checked my apartment but nothing was found. Check the file; there's even some pretty pictures in there for ya," Danny added with a smirk.

"Ok, so your weapon was stolen," retorted the Captain in angry voice of stone, "how convenient that it happened right before the murder. How do we know that you didn't just hide the gun, stage the burglary, file the report, and then wait for the opportune moment?"

Danny couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You don't really believe that I…."

"Oh, I wouldn't put it past you, Messer," he interrupted. "Everyone knows you are a sly son of a bitch. You know what CSI's would look for, making it so much easier to cover your tracks. Admit it, Messer, you lost your cool and killed this woman."

* * *

"Poor Danny," said Stella as the team watched the interrogation through the two-way mirror. "They've been drilling him for hours. We don't even question convicts this long without a break."

"I know, Stella," said Mac, "but they are treating this differently. They really seem to think that Danny did this and they don't want our CSI division to look dirty; the cops already do." His eyes were fixed on the young man in the steel chair, noticing that he was twirling a toothpick in his fingers. No one else noticed that he did that when he got nervous, normally he shoved his hands in his pockets, but when he sat down he twirled pencils, pens, or toothpicks in his fingers. Old smoking habits die hard.

"Come on, Mac, you don't really think Danny would do that, do ya?" asked Flack.

"Doesn't matter what I think. What matters is what the evidence is saying."

"But nothing indicates that Danny was at Lucy's house," said Stella.

"I know, Stella, but until Danny can get someone to testify to where he was last night, Danny will remain the main suspect."

Lindsay unconsciously bit her bottom lip at Mac's words.

* * *

"No, I..."

"And what about your clothes, eh?" he interrupted again. Danny got really sick of that after the first hour. "We searched your apartment with your consent and couldn't find the clothes from yesterday. We have footage of you leaving a convenient store at 12:30 this morning wearing the same clothes you were wearing at work yesterday. So, you must have dumped them knowing that we would test them for GSR and find it!" He could see he was finally starting to wear down Danny's nerves as his leg had started to bounce nervously.

"Of course you would find it," said Danny, letting his irritation show a little more than he wanted to. "I had to fire my weapon yesterday at a scene. I filed a report and turned it in; following protocol."

"Once again, convenient that you were able to cover your tracks with something work related," he said, turning his back to Danny. "You were in a convenience store a mile from the victim's home, and after hearing that she was released on bail until her trial, decided to dish out a bit of your own justice. You knew you already had GSR on your clothes and it was raining, perfect conditions for committing murder without leaving non-circumstantial evidence."

"I was ordered by Detective Taylor to shoot out the tires of a fleeing vehicle with our suspects inside. I took out the two tires on the right side and the suspects were apprehended by Detective Flack."

"But the fact still remains that no one has told us where you were last night!" yelled the Captain. "You left the store at 12:30 a.m. and the super said you never returned home last night! He went to collect your rent and you were no where to be found. So where were you?"

Lindsay bit her lip a little harder. She knew where Danny had been last night; with her.

* * *

_Knock…Knock…Knock_

_Lindsay opened her eyes to the sound coming from her front door. She looked at the clock and noted the time; 1 a.m. She remained in bed, figuring it was just part of her dream and attempted to go back to sleep to the sound of the rain hitting her window and the soft thunder in the distance, that is, until she heard another set of knocks._

_She threw off the covers with an exasperated sigh, slipped on a pair of sweatpants over her sleeping shorts, and moved toward the front door. _Who could it be at this hour?_ she thought._

_She angrily unlocked and unchained the door before throwing it open. "What?!" she yelled, but immediately regretted it as she stood staring at her late night caller in shock._

_Danny stood in front of her in his rain-soaked clothes with the expression of a little boy caught by his mom in the act of breaking the window with a baseball. His eyes, slightly red and puffy, lingered on hers for a moment before they dropped to the floor. "Sorry," he said, turning to go down the hallway, "I knew this was a bad time." He was almost to the stairwell when Lindsay finally snapped out of her shock._

"_Danny!" she yelled down the hall, causing him to stop, but he didn't turn around. "Danny, don't go," she pleaded quietly, "please don't go." _

_She couldn't believe Danny was there, he hadn't spoken to her since Ruben was killed three weeks ago unless it was work related. He wouldn't return her calls and he wouldn't eat lunch with her. Flack said Danny was avoiding him, too, but those two at least talked. _

_She closed her eyes and willed herself to stay asleep because she knew that she would most likely wake up and realize none of this was really happening. Danny wasn't there. He was still avoiding her, but she wanted to stay in this dream; to stay with Danny. "Please don't go."_

_She opened her eyes when she realized that she had started crying, and saw him standing in front of her. She tried to hold herself back, tried to reign in her emotions, but they were too strong. She missed him so much. She didn't care anymore; it was all a dream so it wouldn't matter in the morning anyway. _

_She turned around, putting her back to him. "Why am I doing this to myself?" she said out loud. "I will just wake up any minute now and realize that your not here, you're still avoiding me for God knows why. I'll cry myself back to sleep only to get up, go to work, and suffer through your silence again. I miss you so much that I'm dreaming you're coming to see me, but it will end the way it always does; me waking up and you not being there to comfort me."_

_Hot tears were rolling down her face as she leaned against the doorframe and cried. The sobs wracked her body; she just wanted this torture to stop._

"_Montana." His voice was calm, and it made her angry. Not even in her dreams would Danny break and feel bad for what he had done. He was calm, like nothing ever happened. She decided not to even acknowledge he had said anything. "Lindsay," he said, his voice a lot softer, almost pleading "please look at me." _

_Shocked by the change in his voice, she slowly turned to him and gazed at him with tear streaked cheeks. She crossed her arms and stared at him. "What, Danny? I don't want to do this anymore, not even in my dreams."_

_Danny just looked at her for a minute. "Lindsay," he began, "this isn't a dream." He moved his eyes back to the floor, stuck his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight from side to side. "I came to say that I'm sorry…for everything; for not talking to you, for shutting you out, for everything. I know I hurt you, Montana, and I just wanted to say I'm sorry."_

_Lindsay dropped her hands to her __sides as he__ words soaked in. Danny, her Danny, was really there. She had been waiting for him to stop by, even if he didn't apologize, she just wanted to talk to him, to see him, but now that he was here, she didn't know what to do._

_Danny kept his gaze on the ground. "I'm sure you're angry and want to go back to bed, so I'll talk to ya later, alright? See ya, Lindsay." _

_He began to turn to walk down and leave when Lindsay launched herself forward and wrapped her arms around Danny's neck. "Danny," she cried through her sobs, "you're here! You're really here. I've missed you so much." She rested her head on his shoulder, her hot tears absorbing into his already soaked jacket. He was cold and she could feel the rain from his jacket starting to seep into her clothes, but she didn't care; she just needed to be near him._

_She cried for a while before she felt his hands leave his pockets and his strong arms hesitantly wrap around her. Doors started opening around them as her neighbors began checking out what was going on. "Maybe we should go inside," she said quietly into his ear with a shaky voice. She hesitated before taking his hand and leading him inside._

* * *

"Like I have told you a thousand times," said Danny, his voice starting to sound very irritated, "I was with my girlfriend last night."

"But you still won't tell us who she is!" yelled the Captain.

"I told you, somebody who knows her father works here, and like you said earlier, I ain't exactly the boyfriend ya bring home to mommy and daddy."

* * *

"I didn't know Danny was seeing anyone," said Stella, "did you?"

"I knew there was someone but he wouldn't tell me who," said Flack, "and he tells me damn near everything. Well, more than he tells anyone else anyway."

Lindsay smiled at this. If only Flack knew that was a lie. She though back to the night before again.

* * *

_She closed the door and turned to see Danny standing with his hands in his pockets again, looking uncomfortable. "Why don't you take off your coat and shoes," she said as she strode over to him. "We can put them by the heater and let them dry."_

"_Nah," he said shaking his head, "I should probably go."_

"_Why?" she asked._

_Danny pulled off his glasses and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I only came to apologize." He placed his glasses into his pocket as he couldn't see through the fog that had accumulated on them when he walked into her warm apartment. He walked toward the door and began to open it._

_Lindsay ran over to the door and slammed it shut. "What," she said angrily. "Are you just going to leave me alone again? You just going to crawl back into your hole and leave, not only me, but Flack, Stella, Mac, and Hawks in the dark again? I thought you said you were sorry for shutting me out. We deserve, hell,_**I**_ deserve more than that Danny!"_

"_You're right, Montana," said Danny almost too quietly to hear, "you deserve better than me. You deserve someone who you can count on. Someone who hasn't…" His voice sank away and she could hear his throat closing as he fought back his emotions._

"_Danny," she said quietly as she took his hand off of the doorknob and held it in her hands, "I want you to look at me." His eyes shifted to her and she could see the unshed tears that were hiding behind his blue eyes. "What happened to Ruben, it wasn't your fault; no one blames you for what happened. Accidents happen and unfortunately, one happened to Ruben; you just happened to be there."_

"_Nah, Montana," he said slipping his hand from hers, "I should have looked out for him better. If I would have kept him near me, not let him ride ahead, he wouldn't have been shot. If I would have made sure he got home, I would have been there to see he was hurt and he wouldn't have…"_

_Then something happened that Lindsay would have never believed if she hadn't seen it for herself; Danny Messer started to cry. Unshed tears and painful sounding sobs resonated from the sturdy pillar of a man. Lindsay ran to him and pulled him into a warm embrace; holding him as he let out three weeks worth of grief, sadness, and frustration._

"_Shh, Danny," she cooed as she rubbed his back and cried with him. "It's ok."_

_He pulled away, quickly ending his tears, and looked toward the floor in embarrassment. "I never wanted that to happen; to let you see me cry."_

_Lindsay smiled. _Men,_ she thought. "Danny, it doesn't make you weak." He just continued to glare at the floor in shame. "Felt good though, didn't it?"_

_Danny just shrugged his shoulders. "Not really, but I know one thing that did."_

_Lindsay looked at him confused. "What?"_

"_This," he said as he strode forward and pulled her into a loving embrace, feeling her warm his skin and his soul. She was his saving grace, whether she knew it or not. He knew she deserved better than him, but he felt at home near her, like he finally found where he belonged._

"_I really am sorry, Montana. I was trying to deal with what happened the only way I know how, by shutting myself off to all emotion. No one has ever tried to be there for me before, so I have always had to do it on my own. I'm still not totally sure I can do it any other way, but I want to try. I don't want to be without you anymore."_

_Lindsay tightened her grip on his neck and whispered in his ear. "I'll make us some coffee and we can talk all about it. I don't want to do anything else but be with you tonight."_

They had sat on the couch in each others arms for hours drinking coffee and talking. The pair had laughed, cried, and even yelled (not at each other) together, never touching the Ruben subject, before crawling into bed. Danny couldn't sleep, but Lindsay couldn't help doing so. It was just so comforting to have him near. She had apologized the next morning for falling asleep, but he said it was fine. Danny told her it was calming to see her so content and happy; that it had made him feel a little better.

The next morning, Danny changed into some clothes he had left at Lindsay's in case he stayed overnight. They had gone into work together that morning and Lindsay was ecstatic, that is, until the Captain found them.

"_Messer," yelled the Captain, "get your ass to the interrogation room, now!"_

"_What? Why?" asked Danny. He and the Captain had a mutual hatred for one another._

"_Lucy Scott was killed last night with your gun! Now get over here!"_

_Danny started to walk away but before he did, he turned to Lindsay. "Linds, don't tell them I was at your house last night. I won't have you losing your job over me."_

* * *

So she kept her mouth shut, though her heart was telling her to defend him no matter the consequences.

"Admit it, Messer!" yelled the Captain. "You killed that woman! You wanted to kill the person responsible for that kid's death. You didn't go home last night; you went out and killed her. Will you sleep better at night now? The person you think is responsible for that brat's death is dead!!"

Danny slammed his fist on the metal table causing everyone to jump in surprise. He quickly stood up causing his chair to fall over backward. He leaned across the table and stared the Captain in the eyes with a gaze of hatred and grief.

"If what you say is true," he yelled louder than any of them had ever heard before, "then why am I still alive?!" Everyone just sat in a silent shock from his outburst and his words before he continued. "Lucy was not responsible for Ruben's death, I was! If I hadn't taken him to that bike-blessing ceremony; if I hadn't let him ride ahead; if I made sure he was safe before letting him go, he might still be here. I might be able to sleep at night without seeing him in a casket or on a slab in the morgue. I might be able to pass by his door or through the hallway and hear his laughter rather than his ma cryin'! I would have been at home havin' my weekly Mac n' cheese dinner with the kid instead of findin' every excuse not to go there! So, you're right, I didn't go home last night, I went to Lindsay Monroe's apartment and I was there all night! So pin this on some other scumbag!!"

He pushed off from the table, causing it toward the Captain a bit, and threw open the door leaving his shocked accuser and co-workers in his wake.

* * *

Lindsay sat staring through the one way mirror. "Detective Monroe," said the Captain through the intercom, "is this true?"

She felt all of the eyes in the viewing room turn to her. They all looked surprised, and Stella even looked a little hurt. Lindsay hesitated a moment before pushing the button for the intercom. "Yes, sir," she said confidently, "he was at my place all night."

Stella looked away and Flack shook his head. Mac began to walk over to her and she was sure she was in trouble, but instead, he just gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and a look that made all of her worries melt away. "Don't worry, Lindsay," he said kindly. "Let's go see Danny."

Lindsay gave a look at Stella. "You know what, Mac," she said, "why don't you find Danny. I think I owe a couple people an explanation." Mac gave her a smile before leaving the room with Hawks close on his heels. "Stella…"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Stella interrupted.

"Or Danny tell me?" added Flack.

"To be honest, we didn't want anyone to know," said Lindsay as she moved her gaze to the floor. "We wanted to keep it a secret, to prove that we were able to have this relationship and still act professionally at work."

"But we're your friends," said Flack.

"I know, and I'm sorry," she said looking into their eyes. "We never meant to hurt your feelings; it's just something we felt needed to be done."

"Just don't keep anything else from us, alright?" said Flack.

"Sure, unless Danny wants it to be a surprise," Lindsay smiled.

"Alright," said Stella, a mischievous smile playing on her face, "but I'm the godmother of your first child."

Lindsay's smile grew even bigger. "I think that can be arranged, if I ever have a kid." She paused and looked at her friends. "So, are we good?"

"Oh, we're good. Now, let's find that hot-headed boyfriend of yours before the sheriff does." With that, the trio left to find Danny.

* * *

Danny slammed the door of the interrogation room and ignored the looks of his co-workers as he made his way to the locker room. He needed some quiet; some time to cool down. He hadn't even told Lindsay that he felt that way, and now he had yelled it at the Captain in front of God and everybody.

He made it to the locker room and put his head against the cool, metal surface of his locker. Everyone was going to know that he was a pansy. The Captain had brought up feelings that Danny had worked hard to suppress.

Worst of all, he had exposed his relationship with Lindsay. The Captain would heckle _her_ now. He had always trusted that Montana girl, but now she was with the Staten Island disaster. She would be seen in a different light, maybe less respected. How could he do that to her? How could the Captain put him in that position? How could they think he would kill that woman? He thought about Ruben lying on that slab and tears threatened to form.

His anger rose and clawed at him for release. He couldn't stand it; he was so angry! He pulled his head away from the door and with a frustrated yell, drove his fist into the locker with a loud _bam_! He only vaguely felt the pain as his hand impacted the hard metal.

He turned around and slid down the locker to sit on the floor. He rested his arms on his knees and allowed his hands to dangle between them. He clenched his jaw to control his tears and grimaced when he saw the blood dripping down his fingers from his split knuckles.

"You know," came a deep voice from the door of the locker room, "we should get you a padded locker door. It won't hurt as much, and they don't dent as easy.

Danny looked up at his locker to see the large dent in its smooth surface. Danny could hear Mac's joking tone, but he still turned his eyes to the floor in shame. Mac had told him to keep his temper, and he snapped. He had always tried so hard to pay Mac back for hiring him, for taking a chance on him, but so far he had let him down. "Sorry."

Mac could tell that Danny was ashamed. "So, you and Lindsay are working out, huh?" asked Mac as he squatted in front of the young man.

Danny finally lifted his gaze to Mac. "I know we should have told you, but we wanted to prove that we could be together and still be professional at work. I'm sorry, Mac. We didn't want to…I should have told you earlier, but we didn't want to lose our jobs."

* * *

Lindsay found her way to the locker room and saw Hawks waiting outside looking in. "What's happening, Doc?" she asked.

"Mac is just talking with Danny right now," he said never moving his concerned eyes from the two men. Lindsay turned her attention to the inside of the room where Danny was sitting on the floor against the lockers and Mac was squatting in front of him.

* * *

"Danny, I…"

"Don't be mad at Lindsay, Mac, please," said Danny in a desperate voice. Mac had only heard Danny's voice like this once before, when Louie was put in the hospital. "I'll quit. I've already proven that I'm a disappointment; that it was a mistake to hire me. Lindsay is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Mac, and I would rather lose my job than lose her."

"Danny, no!" yelled Lindsay as she ran into the room. She knelt next to Danny as the two men looked at her with surprise. "Don't give up your job over me, please. You are a wonderful CSI, I'll quit." She grabbed his uninjured hand and held it in hers, looking deep into his eyes.

"No, Lindsay."

"I won't let you quit," she said.

"And I won't let either one of you quit over this," said Mac over the squabbling couple. The two looked at him in surprise and a smile reached over the man's face. "I would be a hypocrite to fire even one of you for having an intradepartmental relationship since I had one myself. You two have proven you are more than capable of leaving your relationship outside of work." Mac's smile grew even wider as he said, "Besides, if I was going to fire you over this I would have done it awhile ago."

"What?" Lindsay asked confused.

"How long have you known?" Danny asked.

"Well, I first suspected it when you took Lindsay's shift that one day, but my suspicions were confirmed three weeks later after we processed the Statue of Liberty. Lindsay's smile was much too large when she put that spray-on condom in your lab coat for it to have been a joke." Lindsay's face turned red and snickers could be heard from out in the hall. A small smirk found its way onto Danny's face before disappearing again.

"Now, Danny," said Mac, "we need to clear you. Where are your clothes from last night?"

"Lindsay's apartment," he said. "I had an extra set there in case I ever stayed overnight. I was going to pick them up and wash them after work."

Mac nodded in response before turning his attention to Lindsay. "Is it alright if I have Stella and Hawks go to your apartment and get them?" Lindsay nodded.

Mac looked back at Danny and without lifting his gaze from the suddenly sullen young man, he addressed Lindsay again. "Lindsay, why don't you go with them and show them where to find his clothes." Lindsay, picking up on Mac's hint, gave Danny a quick peck on the cheek and left the two men. As soon as he was sure Lindsay was out of earshot he said, "Danny, we need to talk about what just happened."

He could see Danny starting to pull into himself again. "Danny, you don't have to do this alone. What you're feeling, it's normal, but you have to deal with it. You can't just become numb, it will destroy you."

"I'm fine, Mac," he said with annoyance, which annoyed Mac.

"No, Danny, you're not," he said with a harder tone, standing up. "Look what happened in the interrogation room; that was just a taste of what can happen. Danny, you see the results of bottled up emotions everyday on this job. Do you really want to do this to yourself? To Lindsay?"

Mac could tell that he had hit a tender spot as Danny instantly went rigid with irritation. "What about Lindsay?"

"I know you, Danny," he said, bringing a bit of an authoritative tone to his voice. "You have been pushing her away. Haven't you seen how miserable she has been? I know you went to see her last night, but by her reaction, I'm assuming that visit didn't involve talking through what happened. You've taken a step, but you need to follow through. What if you're bottled emotions come out on Lindsay?"

Bull's-eye. Danny stood up and got fairly close to Mac. "I would _never_ hurt Lindsay like that." His voice was stone. "I tried dealing with this thing the only way I know how, alone, but I went to Lindsay last night and tried talking with her."

"About Ruben?"

The anger and irritation drained instantly from his face. "Y…yes."

"Don't lie to me, Danny. I can read you like a book."

"Look, Mac, Lindsay is different from any girl I have ever dated. She's amazing and I…"

"You what, Danny?"

"I actually love her, Mac. I can't imagine life without her. I know this is cliché, but I don't know how I survived before. I can't go back to the way I was before we got together and talking with her about Ruben would definitely drive her away. No one wants to be with a child-killer." Danny's eyes found their way back to the floor.

"Danny, what happened was not your fault…"

"It _was_ my fault, Mac," said Danny, a sadness in his voice. "There are so many things I should have done, and if I had, he would still be here. I should have brought him home. I should have kept up with him. I…"

"I should have made her stay home that day," interrupted Mac. "I should have kissed her one last time. I should have let her drop off that letter at the post office. I should have let her clean up that spilled milk instead of doing it for her. If I had, Clare would have been late for work and she wouldn't have been there when the planes crashed into the World Trade Center. There are 'if's' and 'I should have's,' but at the end of the day there is nothing we can do to change what happened, and we couldn't control it when it was still the unknown future. Bad things happen to people, and it hurts those of us who survive it, but those 'if's' can do nothing but tear us apart. Do you think Ruben would have blamed you for what happened?"

Danny looked down and thought. "No, but…"

"No," said Mac sternly, "no buts, Danny. He wouldn't blame you." Mac's demeanor changed to that of a boss once again. "Now, I want you to go to the hospital and get that hand stitched up. Then I want you to get back here so we can finish this inquiry and get you back to work."

"Sure, Mac. I'll be right back," Danny said, honestly not feeling any better about the situation. He grabbed his jacket out of his now dented locker and walked out into the rain to his car where he drove off to the hospital. "But I do."

* * *

So, what does everyone think of my new fic? The other chapters won't be this long, but don't worry, they're long enough.

P.S. the more reviews I get, the faster the chapters will come.


	2. Retribution

Alright, so I didn't get many reviews (which made me a little sad) but I will update anyway. Please, PLEASE review and let me know what you think. Thank you to the five who did tell me thier thoughts. I hope I will not disappoint. Thanks to my beta **RyanLaurel** for all of her help!!

* * *

"You gotta stop blaming yourself for Ruben Sandoval's death."

"How? How do I do that, Flack?"

-Flack and Danny- _All in the Family_

* * *

"_Sure, Mac. I'll be right back," Danny said, honestly not feeling any better about the situation. He grabbed his jacket out of his locker and walked out into the rain to his car where he drove off to the hospital. "But I do."_

_**Later That Day…**_

Danny placed his jacket into his locker before looking at his wrapped hand. "Hey, Messer," Flack greeted from the doorway; leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey, Don," said Danny. He could tell that Flack had something on his mind.

Flack shifted uncomfortably. "How's your hand?"

Danny lifted his hand to show the wrappings around his wrist and knuckles. "It aches, but that's what I get." He smile but it quickly disappeared when Don shifted uncomfortably again. "Hey, Flack, you ok?"

"How could you not tell me, Messer?" he said a little louder than he intended. "We're friends, Dan. I would think you would tell me first." He looked genuinely hurt as he folded his arms and looked at the floor.

Danny let his gaze fall to the floor, too. "Don, we didn't tell anybody, not even our families. We just wanted to see if this would work and prove that we could be professional at work. What better way than to make it seem like it doesn't exist?" Don shook his head. "Don, I swear, when we decided to tell, you would have been the second person I would tell."

Don's head shot up. "Second?"

"Yeah."

"Your ma'd be first, right?"

"Nah, ya know my parents don't care."

"Her parents?"

"I wouldn't live long enough to tell you," Danny chuckled lightly.

Don looked at him confused. "Who then?"

"Mac."

Don smiled. "Oh, yeah. But I thought you wanted to live long enough to tell me?"

The two broke out laughing, but were interrupted by Flack's cell. "Flack," he answered and his smile quickly darkened. "Yeah, here." He looked at Danny, who was a bit confused, as the person on the other end spoke. "We're on our way." He shut his phone and shook his head in disgust.

"What was that all about?" Danny asked.

Don looked at Danny with stern eyes. "That was the sheriff." Danny's face became noticeably darker. "Apparently, Ollie Barnes just called in saying he thinks someone from the department is tailing him. Sheriff wants me to bring you with me to prove it isn't you."

Danny followed Flack out to his car, mumbling Italian obscenities as they went.

* * *

Don and Danny followed the squad of squealing police cars to Ollie's destination. Danny was watching out the window to see if he cold spot Ollie in the busy sidewalks.

"Who could be following him?" asked Danny.

"I don't really know," Flack said, "but he said he was afraid for his life."

Danny turned his attention back to the task at hand just in time to see Ollie turn into a boarded alleyway and someone follow him in. "There he is," Danny yelled. "Don stop!" Flack slammed on his brakes and Danny flew out of the car. "Get on the radio and tell everyone he went into that alley!"

Danny could hear Flack calling in the information as he fought his way through the crowd and into the alley. He instinctively reached for his gun and mentally smacked himself when he remembered hi firearm was still in ballistics. He was going to wait for backup, but then he heard the conversation.

"You're crazy!" It was a man's voice, most likely Barnes'. "I was the one being shot at!"

"Shut up!" A woman. "She's already dead, so now it's your turn to pay.

_No_, thought Danny. He though for a moment before deciding it was alright for him to proceed forward. "Rikki?"

Rikki turned shortly to look at Danny with angry, tear-filled eyes before turning back to Ollie. She was visibly shaking; pointing a gun at Ollie Barnes. "Go home, Danny," she called calmly. "This doesn't concern you!"

"Think about what you're doing, Rikki," he said.

"I know what I'm doing!" she yelled, but she wouldn't turn to him.

"Then tell me why; why are you doing this?" he asked. He wanted to keep her distracted while he moved between her and her intended victim.

"HE KILLED MY BABY!" she screamed.

"No, _he_ didn't kill Ruben…"

"NYPD!" yelled Flack as he came into the alley with a dozen cops, Mac, and Lindsay, guns drawn. "Put your gun down and put your hands behind your head!"

Danny saw her hand tighten around the hilt of her weapon, so he put up his hand to tell them to stand down. Flack hesitated, then nodded his head, lowered his gun and signaled for the others to do the same. _I hope you know what you're doing, Messer,_ he thought.

"He killed my baby," Rikki sobbed.

"He wasn't responsible for what happened to Ruben, Rikki," he said, his voice getting shaky. He continued to inch closer to her.

"Hey, I didn't do nothin' to your kid, ya nut job," said Ollie.

"Shut up!" snapped Danny.

"He robbed the store!" she yelled and her hands began to shake noticeably. "For money to buy drugs!"

"It isn't his fault," said Danny as he finally stepped between Rikki and Ollie. "He didn't even know that Ruben was there until we arrested him."

"Move, Danny," she said, venom oozing in her voice. "He needs to pay for this."

"Rikki, _**I**_ was watching over Ruben. _**I**_ told him he could ride ahead to the corner. If I had kept him near me; if I had made sure he was alright or got him home, he might still be here."

Flack felt someone put a death grip on his suit sleeve. He looked and saw Lindsay hanging on him for support, a look of worry sown on her face. "Danny," she whispered. Flack put his arm around her shoulders.

_You __**better**__ know what you're doing, Danny,_ thought Flack.

"So," Danny continued, licking his dry lips, "if you're gonna shoot somebody…" He couldn't even finish his own sentence. His throat went dry as he looked in her eyes and saw her mind absorbing what he just suggested.

Everyone held their breath as she contemplated. _Danny, if you survive this, _I'm_ gonna kill you_, Flack thought as he felt Lindsay's grip tighten on his sleeve.

Tears formed in Rikki's eyes and her body began to relax slightly, the gun dropping a fraction of an inch. "I want him back," she sobbed weakly.

Danny let out a breath he didn't even know he was holding. He dropped his hands and began to move forward. "I know, I know," he said, his voice shaking noticeably. He wrapped one hand around the muzzle of the gun, feeling the adrenaline drain from his body, making his hands and knees begin to shake.

Flack passed a shaking Lindsay over to Mac, gestured for everyone to stay where they were so as not to agitate her, and began to walk forward to assist Danny. Danny continued to move forward, one hand on the gun slowly pushing it down from aiming at his chest, to pull her into a hug.

Suddenly, Rikki pushed his shoulder back, forcing him to step away from her. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!" But before he could react, he heard a loud shot and felt a searing, unimaginable pain tear through his gut. He didn't even have time to cry out in pain before another shot filled the air and more pain ripped through his body, this time radiating from his right shoulder, knocking the breath out of him.

A third shot rang out, but this time the pain did not come. He heard a scream and felt his back and head hit something hard. He realized it was hard to breath and that someone was screaming his name before he put together what had just occurred. He saw Flack's terrified face and felt it becoming harder and harder to breath. He felt a pressure on his gut before he tasted something metal and felt it start to flow out of the sides of his lips. He pulled in a very raspy breath and said something he didn't understand, but it caused Flack to stare at him in surprise before yelling something back at him. He pulled in another breath and coughed at the thickness in his throat. He said something else and Flack took his unwrapped hand, eyes starting to tear, and said something with a twitching lip.

Danny suddenly felt cold and tired. His body began to shiver and he could hear Flack yelling, but it was muffled, like he was underwater.

Pain shot through his body causing him to arch his back and for a solitary moment, his entire world was clear. Don knelt beside him, holding his best friend's hand with tears of worry, anger, and care. A dozen cops stood looking at him or looking away as if to give Flack some privacy with his friend. He could hear Lindsay screaming for Mac to let her go. She was sobbing hysterically and she was starting to lose her strength. Rikki was being put into a police cruiser with a bleeding hand. Ollie was staring at Danny in shock, slowly backing away from the scene.

Danny felt his breath hitch again as he choked on whatever was in his throat. He looked at Mac, and for the first time, he was afraid that he was going to die. Mac's regularly stern face was etched with worry and his eyes were locked on him with tears welling in them.

The pain shot through him again and he coughed, sending more of the thick liquid down his cheeks. His vision began to blur and the sound around him began to blur.

Danny felt something pushing on his shoulder wound and heard more blurred yells. He tried to groan from the new pain this brought, but he couldn't; his lungs wouldn't work. He knew he shouldn't panic, he couldn't, but he felt his heartbeat speed up. He began to weakly thrash about in pain and anxiety. He clawed at the ground and flexed his legs. He just wanted the pain to stop. He could hear someone saying something to him, but he was too busy trying to will his muscles to work and let him breathe.

The moving aggravated his wounds and shot waves of pain through him, causing him to stir even more. The pain just continued to increase; his vision became more blurry and darker…

…the pain stopped,

…his body relaxed,

…and his vision faded to black.

"DANNY!" he heard, then nothing more.

* * *

PLEASE review and let me know what you think!!


	3. Resuscitation

So, thanks to everyone who reviewed, I'm glad my cliffhanger was so effective :). Anyway, I am sick as a fricken' dog right now so I'm sorry the update took so long. Please read and review. Disclaimer and warnings are the same as always, little stronger language.

* * *

"You know what? You should mind your own business."

"You're my friend Danny, makes it my business."

Danny and Flack- _All in the Family_

* * *

"So, if you're gonna shoot somebody…" Danny said.

Flack held his breath as he felt Lindsay's grip on his shirt tighten. _Danny, if you survive this, _I'm_ gonna kill you_, Flack thought. He saw Rikki's aim start to drop.

"I want him back," she sobbed weakly. Flack let his held breath escape.

"I know, I know," said Danny with a shaken voice, dropping his hands and moving toward Rikki. He began pushing her gun down even farther.

Flack managed to pass Lindsay off to Mac. "Stay here, ok?" Mac gave him a nod and he motioned the same order to the squad. He began to walk toward the pair to assist Danny.

Danny began pulling Rikki into a hug when Flack saw her push him back. "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!" she screamed before a shot rang out. Flack tried to draw his weapon, but was unable to do so before she got another shot off. He knew that Danny would never forgive him if he killed her, so, with deadly accuracy, he shot her right hand causing her to scream and drop her gun.

Danny hit the ground with a hard thud. "Danny!" screamed Lindsay as she moved to run to him, but Mac held her back.

"Stop!" he yelled, but it had no effect on his hysterical colleague. "Too many people in there will only cause problems. Let Flack handle it."

"Danny! Mac, let me go! Please!" She continued to scream and struggled to free herself from his Marine grip as Angell ran past them to arrest Rikki.

* * *

"Messer!" yelled Flack as he holstered his weapon and ran to his friend's side. "Danny. Dan hang in there, buddy." He saw the blood coming from the wound in his belly and tried to apply some pressure to it. The moment he did, Danny coughed and blood leaked from his mouth and down his cheeks.

"Somebody get an ambulance here, now!" Flack yelled to the police standing on the sidelines.

"They're on their way!" one of them yelled back.

"Don," gasped Danny, "I'm sorry...for everything."

Flack was taken aback. "Don't talk like that, Messer!" he yelled, both out of fear of his friend's words and anger that he might be giving up. "Don't you quit on me, got it?!"

Danny coughed again, causing even more blood to flow from his mouth. He weakly lifted his hand. "Don, forgive me and…take care of Lindsay, ok?" he coughed.

Don grabbed his best friend's offered hand and held it tight as tears began to form in his eyes. "Done and done, but only until you get better. Then, you can take care of her yourself."

Suddenly, Danny started to shake and convulse. "Danny!" he let go of Danny's hand and held his head instead so it wouldn't hit the hard cement. "Where is that damn ambulance?!"

"Five minute ETA!"

"Shit! Danny, don't do this to me. Don't you fucking do this!"

* * *

Mac stood there watching the heartbreaking scene. He didn't want to give up, but he had seen this same scenario many times in Beirut and the outcome was always the same. "Mac, please let me go!" screamed Lindsay, struggling as hard as she could, though it wasn't very hard due to her failing strength. Mac could no longer hold it back and the tears formed in his eyes. He knew if he had a son, this would be what it felt like to lose him.

* * *

Suddenly, Danny's back arched in pain as a gurgled yell came from the man. Each person at the scene noticed his eyes stop on them for a split second. Mac noticed Danny's eyes linger on him a little longer than everyone else and saw the look in his eyes change from that of pain to that of fear.

He coughed again sending more liquid down his face, glistening black in the light from the setting sun. "Danny, don't quit on me!" yelled Don as he took off his suit jacket and used it to apply pressure to Danny's shoulder wound. Danny started to squirm and Flack realized that Danny's chest wasn't moving like he was breathing; that his lungs had stopped working.

And, just as suddenly as the convulsions had started, Danny's body went limp as his eyes began to close. "DANNY!" yelled Flack.

"NO!" screamed Lindsay as she fell to her knees, sobbing hysterically. Mac shook his head, unable to move as he stared in disbelief.

"No, Danny, wake up! Danny, look at me!" yelled Flack, shaking Danny's limp body.

Angell ran over and checked Danny's pulse. Flack watched her waiting for an answer he didn't want to hear. She looked at him, and with sadness in her eyes, she shook her head. Anger flared through Flack and he looked at Danny's face. "I won't let you give up," he whispered.

He took off his tie and tied his suit jacket to Danny's shoulder wound to keep the pressure. Flack then tilted Danny's head back, and disregarding the blood, breathed into Danny and began compressions. His arms shook and he had a hard time applying enough force, but nonetheless, he continued.

He was so concentrated on his friend he almost didn't notice Mac move to Danny's other side. He placed his hand on Don's shoulder. "Don, stop," he said calmly and quietly.

"No, Mac," he responded between breaths. "I'm not like you. I can't just feel he has no pulse and just assume he is gone. Not this time. You can't make me stand down; I'm gonna save this one."

"Don," said Mac, as if Flack hadn't said anything, "your arms are tired. Stop."

The fatigue in his arms was finally too much and they collapsed mid-compression. "I just don't want...I _can't_ lose him, Mac. He's my best friend."

Flack watched as Mac took off his suit jacket and knelt down next to Danny. "I know. I don't want to lose him either."

With those words, Mac resumed compressions in Flack's place as Flack continued to breath into his friend. The pair noticed Lindsay being helped over by Angell to Danny's side. She sat down by his head, stroking his hair. "Come on, Danny, wake up," she cooed. "I need you here."

The sirens were finally heard as the ambulance stopped in front of the alley and the paramedics ran down the alley. The CSI's were pushed away from Danny as the paramedics wrapped his wounds and brought out a gurney. The group stood watching them work.

"I've got a pulse!" yelled one of the EMT's and everyone's hearts lifted a little. "Let's get him out of here!"

Danny was lifted onto the gurney. His white shirt had been cut open and Flack's jacket was tossed to the side. A manual CPR mask was on his mouth. Gauze was tapped to his wounds and his glasses here removed. "Can one of us ride with him?" yelled Flack.

"Yeah, but only one."

Flack looked over at Lindsay. "Go," he said, "he needs _you_ there."

Lindsay nodded and ran after the love of her life, jumping into the back of the ambulance. She spotted his hand, dried blood on it from Flack's hand, laying limply over the side of the gurney. Lindsay gently grabbed it and held it lose to her chest. _He's so cold,_ she thought. The paramedics rushed around Danny as the ambulance screamed down the streets, hooking him up to a heart monitor. Lindsay was relieved by the slow, but steady beeping emitted by the machine.

"You're safe now, Danny," she whispered, but unfortunately she spoke too soon. All of a sudden, a long, high screeching came from the heart monitor and Lindsay saw the erratic lines on its screen.

"He's gone into defib," said one of the paramedics as he pulled out the paddles.

"Ma'am," said a woman kindly, "I need you to let go of his hand for a while."

Lindsay did what she was told and reluctantly let go of his hand, watching it fall limply back to its hanging space. She clutched her hands to her chest as her heart began to race. "Set to 300," yelled an EMT. The high pitch of charging paddles rang through the air like a bell toll at a funeral before they were placed on the man's bare chest. "Clear!" someone yelled before pushing the button, sending electricity through Danny's body, causing his body to arc. No change occurred on the heart monitor, making Lindsay's heart beat even faster. "Charge to 360!"

The eerie ringing was heard again before another 'clear' was called and Danny's body was sent arcing off the table. Once again no change was seen and tears began to form in Lindsay's eyes.

"Alright, 400!" he yelled and once more, Danny was shocked, sending his body arching so high Lindsay thought it could fly away.

Nonetheless, the tension melted as the calming sounds of steady beeping began to resonate from the heart monitor once more. _I can't lose him_, she thought as she wiped away the tears from her cheeks, but they were soon replaced by fresh ones.

"Here," came the same kind female voice that had spoken to Lindsay before, "this might help."

Lindsay looked through tear-filled eyes to see the woman offering her Danny's hand. She took it and held it close once more. "You know, you being here will really help him," said the EMT as she sat next to Lindsay. "I truly believe that God watches over us and protects good people. This man protected a man partially responsible for the death of a child he knew, and by the looks of it, many people love this man very much. He will fight through this. I feel it in my gut." Then, she gave Lindsay a tight hug.

"How did you know about Ollie?" asked Lindsay. The woman merely shook her radio. _Duh,_ though Lindsay. "You have really made me feel better. Thank you, Miss…"

"Abby," she said, "Abby O'Callehan."

"Thank you, Abby."

"Not a problem."

The ambulance stopped, and Abby and the other paramedics pushed open the door, pulling out the gurney. Lindsay held onto Danny's hand until she was stopped by a nurse in front of the OR doors. "I'm sorry, miss, but you can't go back there."

Lindsay considered whipping out her badge, but decided not to. She would only be in the way. So, she went and sat in a chair and began to wait; to wait for Flack and the others, to wait for the world to stop spinning too fast, and wait for the jury to return with the verdict on Danny's life.

* * *

Please make the sick writer feel better by sending her reviews. It's the best medicine :)


	4. Reception

Ok, so fever is gone and so is my sickness, so here we go again!! Thanks to my beta **RyanLaurel** and to everyone who reviewed.

Special thanks to **Catty** for offering her help to make me better. Also to **Tenka-Chan** and **Ditto123** who made my next thirty years with their reviews. This next chapter is dedicated to you three.

So without further ado (warnings and disclaimers the same) on with chapter 4!!

* * *

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."

-Unknown

* * *

Mac paced in the waiting room in an attempt to calm himself down, but it seemed impossible. Each time his heartbeat became regular again, he would see one of his team, remember Danny's chances, and it would pick up again. If he tried to sit, he would quickly learn that he was too anxious and begin to pacing once more.

On each pass, he would look at each one of his colleagues. He would wonder what was going through their minds and what he could do to make them feel better. Each of them was reacting in their own way, and though everyone cared for Danny, some were taking it harder than others, or were better at hiding it.

Lindsay was, understandably, in the worst state. Her eye make-up was completely dissolved from the tears that were constantly falling down her cheeks. The nurses had been kind enough to bring her coffee, though she had not touched it and it had gotten cold hours ago. She was white as a ghost, but she still held a sort of beauty. Mac knew what Danny saw in her, she was a caring girl who Mac could say he saw as a daughter.

Stella sat next to her, holding Lindsay as she changed from sobbing to solemn and back again, whispering words of encouragement and understanding. Stella looked rather tired herself, but Mac knew she would never let that get in the way of helping her friends. She had been having the same conversation with Lindsay for the past three hours.

* * *

"What if he doesn't make it, Stella?"

"Don't worry, Danny is stubborn. He won't give up without a fight."

"He was so cold when I held his hand last."

"Lindsay, he will make it through, if not for himself, then for you."

"Stella, do you really think Danny wanted Rikki to shoot him?"

Stella sighed. "Grief does strange things to people, Lindsay, but no, I don't think Danny wanted her to shoot him. I know he wouldn't do that to us. I think Danny might have thought saving Rikki from making the mistake of killing Ollie might make up for not being able to save Ruben. He still thinks that Ruben's death was his fault."

"But it wasn't!"

"I know, I know," she said stroking Lindsay's hair as she started to cry again. "Unfortunately, we still need to convince Danny of that fact."

"I can't lose him, Stella," she sobbed. "I don't know what I'll do without him."

"Don't worry, he'll make it."

* * *

Hawks and Sid were speaking with the nurse at the front desk, but it looked as though their questions were not being answered. Both of their brows were furled and Hawks body seemed very tense. The nurse also looked upset. Mac chuckled to himself. He could see that exchange in his mind. They were most likely trying to get an update on Danny's condition. The nurse probably wouldn't answer due to lack of knowledge or because of confidentiality issues, and knowing Hawks and Sid, neither one of those responses were acceptable enough for them.

Mac's gaze moved to the last of the group, and though his reaction wasn't as extreme as Lindsay, Flack was who Mac was most concerned about. He hadn't said anything since the car ride over, only stared at his hands.

* * *

"_Don't worry, Don," said Mac as he drove at breakneck speed to the hospital, "he'll make it. Danny is stubborn and God knows he won't give up without a fight."_

"_He just looked so weak, Mac," said Flack sighing. He had given Angell his cruiser to transport Rikki to the station where Angell was going to interrogate her. "The things he said, it sounded like he was giving up. I wish I coulda done something more to help him."_

"_What could you have done, Don?" asked Mac in an attempt to stop another team member from going down the road of guilt._

"_I don't know, probably nothin', but he was dyin' right in my hands," he said looking at his hands that were lying in his lap._

"_Nobody could have stopped what happened, Flack," said Mac, keeping his eyes on the road as he swerved around cars. "Promise me you won't blame yourself for this. There was nothing you could have done." Mac waited for an answer, but didn't even receive a grunt. "Flack?" said Mac finally turning to look at the young cop only to see him sitting in shock at the sight of his hands and shirt covered in blood._

Flack was now sitting staring at his hands with a mixed look of shock, worry, and disgust. He knew he shouldn't be surprised that there had been blood on them, but he wasn't quite ready for how _much_ there was. They had looked like they had been dipped in a can of deep red paint. He had wanted to answer Mac, but he just couldn't get his mouth to work. He had had blood on his hands and clothes before, but this time it was _Danny's_ blood, it was a completely different story.

They had gotten him to change his shirt and wash his hands after they were photographed, but it still felt like it was on him. Now, his hands were red, not from the blood, but from the vigorous scrubbing Flack had done to get it off, even after they were visibly clean.

_There was a lot of blood at the crime scene, too,_ he thought. _They'll need to give him a transfusion soon if they haven't already._ He looked over at the OR doors. No one had gone in or come out of those doors since they had arrived three hours ago. Mac had called Hawks, Stella, and Sid at the lab while they were driving over and were there shortly after Mac and himself. They found Lindsay who fell into a heap of tears when Stella asked her about what happened, and then they waited. _Danno, ya gotta make it though this._

"Nurse said she hasn't heard anything about Danny's condition and promised a thousand times over that she would tell us if or when she did," said Hawks as he approached after his exasperating conversation.

"In other words, she doesn't want us asking her anymore," said Sid. "She probably won't know anything until after the surgery either."

"But it's already been three hours!" said Stella. "How much longer do you think it will take?"

"It matters how many problems they run into," said Sid. "There could be dangerous bleeds, his blood pressure could drop, or he could stop breathing. There are a lot of things that could happen. They need to make sure he is stable throughout the surgery with the injuries he sustained." Lindsay let out a quiet sob.

"Lindsay," said Hawks placing a hand on her shoulder, "that doesn't mean he won't make it through the surgery. He still has a chance."

Lindsay gave him a weak smile and kept giving her words of encouragement. Mac, on the other hand, wanted to speak with Sid without the sugar coating. He pulled Sid a short distance away from the others so they couldn't hear the conversation. "Sid, tell me the truth. What are Danny's chances really?"

Sid looked at Mac with eyes of despair. "Honestly, Mac, I've seen people with less on my table. If a miracle happens and he makes it through the surgery, there is infection that could set in and his body needs to recover which takes energy he might not have. He could slip into a coma and be like his brother. Speaking of his family, have you let them know?"

"Yeah," said Mac shaking his head, "I called his parents and spoke to his father."

"And?"

"I believe his response was 'So?'"

"You mean he didn't care?"

"No, he said the only son he had was in a coma. Said he had a younger son, but he died over ten years ago."

"Was that when Danny went to the Academy?"

"Yep," said Mac.

Sid shook his head with disappointment. "You know, most people would be proud of their child for doing what Danny did, getting out of that sort of life and making a good one for themselves. Who could be dissatisfied with a kid like Danny?"

"Someone who has ties to the mob," said Mac. "They can't prove it, but it's believed that Danny's family either helps or are gangsters. Having a cop for a son is bad for them. He could leak secrets if he knows them, which is why I try to look out for him as much as possible."

"Does he know anything?" Mac nodded. "Has he told anyone?"

"I know that if anything that Danny knows gets out his life would be in danger. The sheriff and captain, as well as the DA, have asked or ordered to talk to Danny about it, but I have always run interference for him. Danny shouldn't be forced to make a decision between the career he loves and the family he cares about. Danny told me what he thought was pertinent after the whole Tanglewood situation and has promised me to tell me things later if they are important. I trust his word and so, I don't push him. He is very sensitive about his past and so, I try to stay away from it if at all possible. Who he is now is not who he used to be, that is all I know. He's a better man because of what he has gone through."

"Excuse me," said a voice, causing the group to turn to the OR door, "I'm looking for the family of Detective Daniel Messer." It was a surgeon in green scrubs, removing his mask.

Mac walked over and grabbed Lindsay's hand, gently helping her to her feet. He guided her to the surgeon. "I'm Detective Mac Taylor, Danny's supervisor, and this is Detective Lindsay Monroe, Danny's girlfriend." Lindsay couldn't help but smile slightly as Mac said that, it had a certain ring to it. That and it was nice not having to hide that fact anymore. "We are his family. How is he?"

"He successfully made it through the surgery, but there has been a large amount of blood loss, internal damage, and a few broken ribs due to CPR. We are currently giving him blood and antibiotics to prevent any sort of infection."

"Is… is he going to …?" Lindsay asked quietly, not able to finish the ominous question.

She couldn't finish her question, but the doctor knew what she wanted to say. "He is in extremely critical condition," he said, but he was unable to look at Lindsay. "His heart has taken a lot of stress so cardiac arrest is a very real threat right now. I will be honest with you; his chance of survival is very low. If he survives the night it will be a good sign, but I won't say he's out of the woods until after a week."

Lindsay started to cry again. She hated crying so much, it just wasn't her, but these past few weeks had been a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to go up. She had lost Danny, and then found him again only to possibly lose him again, only this time permanently. This just wasn't fair!

"Can we see him?" asked Mac.

"Sure, but right now only two at a time," said the doctor. "If something happens we can't have a whole group of you in there."

Mac nodded his head and placed a hand on Lindsay's shoulder. "Lindsay, why don't you and Flack go in first?"

"Ok," she replied softly. She began to walk with the doctor to Danny's room and Flack began to follow.

"Don," said Mac, making Flack stop and turn back to face him, "take care of her, ok?" Flack nodded and continued walking toward Lindsay. He just hoped they were both ready for what was coming.

* * *

Once again, sorry for the late update. My fever has broken and I stopped feeling nausiated so I will hopefully be able to update again sooner!

Please review! First one can have Hawks!! (Sorry, Danny is mine and my beta has Flack locked up somewhere :))


	5. Revelation

Ok, really sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I have my criminology mid-term coming up and I really want to do well on it. My beta **RyanLaurel** gave me a few ideas for improvements in chapters 3 and 4, nothing major, just gramatical stuff and word choice. Anyway, I will be leaving on vacation soon so there won't be another update for about a week or so. Thanks for all the updates, warnings and disclaimers are the same, and please review. Also, **_don't kill me_**; you'll understand later.

* * *

"The angels are always near to those who are grieving, to whisper to them that their loved ones are safe in the hand of God."

Quoted in _The Angels' Little Instruction Book_ by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

* * *

Her eyes were locked on him as she felt the hot tears begin to well, but she fought them back. She had to be strong for Danny. He wouldn't want her to cry for him! He wouldn't want her to worry! She knew he would tell her that everything was going to be alright, even if everything looked as bleak as it did now.

She just couldn't believe how still he was; Danny was almost never completely still. He was always shifting his feet, using his hands, or moving his head or eyes; always observing, always reacting. Something, he had told her, he had formed to habit in Staten Island that he was never really able to outgrow.

Flack was also staring. _That isn't Danny_, he thought. The person in the hospital bed was too pale, too fragile, too…broken to be his best friend. He was just lying there; two I.V.'s running into his arms feeding him blood and antibiotics. A tube protruded from his mouth as air was pushed into his weakened lungs.

Neither were able to move closer Danny. They both just stared. Lindsay took the opportunity of the unwanted silence to take inventory of Danny's condition and injuries. He was dressed only in off-white pajama pants which could be seen just above the white sheets tucked around his waist and just below the slowly reddening bandages on his abdomen. Those bandages rose up to his pectorals where another bandage began to devour his right shoulder. His right hand had been re-stitched and redressed. Another bandage covered the back of his head from where he hit in on the pavement in the alleyway. There were minor scraped and bruises on his arms from thrashing on the ground, but the most disturbing to her were the tubes and wires leading to and from his body.

His chest barely moved as the ventilator aided his weak body to breathe. He appeared dead; the only signs of life were the slow and weak, but steady beeping of the heart monitor and the look on his face that appeared both serene and pained at the same time.

Lindsay was pulled from her thoughts as Flack moved slowly toward Danny. He moved to the bedside and sat in the flimsy, padded chair stationed nearby. He gently took Danny's hand, as if afraid to break it, and gave it a light squeeze.

"Hey, Messer," said Flack, but he stopped; he didn't know what to say. His best friend was in the hospital. The Indestructible Danny Messer was fighting for his life. He could take a punch, hell, he could take a pistol whip from an AK 47 and a beating from a baseball bat, but two tiny pieces of metal cut him down like a hot knife to butter.

Flack knew Danny would hate for everyone to see him like this, in his weakest moment, but Don wanted Danny to know he needed him to come back. "I'm here for ya, buddy, ok? But you need to get better quick though, 'cause we got a 2-on-2 basketball tourney in a month and God knows I can't shoot a basket to save my life. That's what you're for." Don smiled momentarily knowing Danny would yuck that up even though they both knew Don was the better shooter of the two of them.

The smile disappeared, though, when Flack looked at Danny's face. His gaze slowly down to his torso to the wound in his stomach, and from there to his hand. It was as if the possibility that his best friend could die finally became tangible and Don felt tears start falling from his eyes onto the bed sheets. A small whimper escaped Falck's lips as he squeezed Danny's hand a little tighter. "Please don't die, Danny," he whispered to Danny so only they could hear, "Don't leave us."

He looked at Danny's face, waiting for some sort of response to his words. Unfortunately his wishes went unanswered as Danny remained still and his monitors showed no change. He whipped his tears away, he needed to stay strong for Lindsay and Danny. "Lindsay," he said kindly, "why don't you say something to him?"

Lindsay just stood near the door, staring at Danny's near-lifeless body, her own shaking slightly as fear began to fill her mind. "Lindsay?" said Flack, turning toward his friend. He got up and started to walk toward her. Images flashed through her mind. Bloody hands, a shotgun, girls screaming, Danny morning over a new grave, throwing up in a dingy restaurant bathroom stall, crying as he ran from her again.

"I…I'm sorry, I can't," she whispered.

"Can't what?" asked Flack still moving toward his horror stricken friend.

"I…I just can't!" she yelled before turning and running out the door.

"Lindsay!" she heard Flack yell as she bolted down the hall. She saw the heads of her friends turn as she ran through the waiting room and out the front door into the new onslaught of freezing rain. She turned and ran down the street, not even knowing where she was going.

* * *

Mac's head turned as a small brunette ran through the waiting room toward the front door. "Lindsay?" he heard Stella say before running after her good friend.

Flack skidded to a halt in the waiting room, frantically searching the room with his eyes. "Mac, did you see Lindsay?" he asked.

"She just ran outside," said Mac grabbing Flack's shoulder in an attempt to calm his anxious friend. "What happened?"

"I don't know," said Flack quickly, "I was talking to Danny and then I said she should say something to him. She didn't answer and when I turned to look at her, she looked scared, like a new CSI on their first decomp case. She said she couldn't do it and then bolted." His eyes opened in shock and he looked at the door. "Mac, I gotta go find her!"

He lunged forward to run out the door, but was stopped by Mac's strong hand. "Flack, cam down," he ordered in a calm voice. "Stella is already out after her. You need to relax before we have another person in the hospital." He led Flack to one of the waiting room chairs and forced him to sit were he buried his face in his hands. "Don?"

"How does this shit happen, Mac?" asked Flack suddenly. "He doesn't even look like Danny anymore. I thought I was ready for whatever I was going to see in that room, but I wasn't and apparently neither was Linds."

"I know, Don," Mac sympathized, deep down, he didn't even want to go into Danny's hospital room because he was afraid of seeing his CSI like that. His heart, on the other hand, wanted to see Danny alive so desperately it was strangling his fear.

The glass doors of the ER opened and a very soaked Stella Bonasara walked in. "I couldn't find her, Mac," she said in a frustrated yet saddened tone. "She doesn't have a car here so she must have taken off on foot. She could get sick in this weather."

"I'll go find her," said Flack starting to stand before he was forced to sit again by Mac.

"No," he said kindly, but sternly enough to beat down all attempts at opposition, "you two stay here with Danny, Hawks and Sid. I will go find Lindsay. Call me if anything happens with Danny's condition."

"You got it, Mac," said Stella, "as long as you promise to call us if you can't find her."

"If I run out of places to look, you'll be my first call," and with that, he pulled on his jacket and exited the hospital into the pouring rain.

"Stella," came a voice. Stella turned to see Hawks smiling at her and handing her a towel. "Sid and I are done seeing Danny. Why don't you go see him now."

Stella smiled sadly. "I just don't want to go in alone."

"I'll go with you," said Flack, standing up beside her.

"Thanks, Flack," she said.

"Not a problem," he said.

He felt something brush against his hand before feeling Stella's hand wrap around it. He blushed lightly and looked down at his hand where indeed Stella had latched onto him. He looked at her and gave her a slight smile, receiving on in return. He began to walk forward and Stella apprehensively followed, latching her other hand onto his jacket sleeved and pressing close to him as the pair proceeded toward their injured comrade and friend.

* * *

Don't kill me for Lindsay's reaction, it will serve a purpose. Well, update and I'll see you around. I'm heading to Sonshine Music Festival! BOOM!!


	6. Rumination

Ok, so I am back from Sonshine Music Festival and I am burnt all to hell, but I was able to scrounge up another chapter for all of my readers. Besides, we don't need **Ditto123** going through withdrawl ;). I hope you all enjoy the next chapter and I hope to hear from each of you. Thank you for your reviews and a special thanks to **RyanLaurel** for betaing for me.

* * *

"You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some sterile hospital room, surrounded by strangers. Fuck that!"

-Bill Hicks- _Relentless (audio)_

* * *

It had been three hours since she had ran out of the hospital and into the pouring rain. Now she was sitting inside staring out the window, soaking the piece of furniture she was perched on with her drenched clothing. Her wet hair framed her face, sticking to her pale skin as she sat with her arms around her knees, trying to stop her body from shaking from the cold.

She knew she could go and get a blanket from the bed, but she didn't want to move. She was disgusted with herself for not being strong enough to stand by his side as he went through hell.

But then again, maybe Danny already knew that. He had pushed her away when he was having trouble; maybe he knew she wasn't going to be able to help him. After all, she had told him she wasn't very good with this sort of thing when Ruben died. She hadn't been able to handle it when her friends died and she wasn't able to handle it now when Danny was dying.

Her eyes shot wide with that though. No, she had to stay positive. Danny was a strong person and stubborn to boot, he could make it through. He _would_ make it through.

But what if he didn't. Would she be able to keep herself together? Danny had been her rock ever since she came to New York and now, without him, she felt as though her anchor was losing its hold and she was being pulled downstream toward a waterfall. It felt like all that was needed was for the rope that connected her to Danny, her anchor, to be broken and she would fall over the edge into the pit of despair. She had hardly made it through her friends' deaths; she doubted she could make it through the death of the man she loved.

She felt the tears starting to well in her eyes again as images of Danny in a casket formed in her mind. She could see him in his charcoal Italian suit lying in a dark mahogany coffin surrounded by its soft, silky white interior. White lilies surrounded his wooden casket as he lie inside, glasses missing, hair combed, face shaved, and hands folded over his chest. He looked peaceful, but he didn't look like her Danny. She saw people crying as someone moved forward and started to close the casket.

A flash of lightning crashed and her eyes shot open. She was now lying down on her perch, but she was no longer cold. She looked down and saw a deep blue blanket over her petite form. _When did I fall asleep?_ she thought.

"Hey there, Lindsay," said a deep, calming voice from a chair near the window.

* * *

It had been three hours since she disappeared from the hospital and Mac had already tried several places she could be. He had started at the lab since it was the closest to the ER, but after searching and asking if anyone had seen her, he decided she was not hiding within those walls. His next guess was her apartment. He had arrived and opened her door with the key she had given him in case of emergencies. He thought this would count as one, but again, after searching her apartment and asking a few of her neighbors, who had not been happy to be woken so early in the morning, left the same as he had come in, alone.

He could only think of one more place she might go, but it was so far away from the hospital. As cold as it was that night, she would be lucky not to catch something walking that far, not to mention the danger she would have put herself in with the chances of being assaulted or mugged.

Nonetheless, he could think of no other place to look, so he sped down the vacant side streets to his destination. He parked in front of the building and climbed the stairs to the third story. He walked past two doors, stopping only momentarily to look at one of them and shake his head in disgust. The continued forward; the next door was his destination.

He arrived at the newly installed and painted red door and noticed that it was unlocked. He looked and saw keys still sitting in the deadbolt lock. He took the keys out of the lock and pushed the door open to the dark apartment. "Lindsay?" he called quietly, not wanting to startle her if she was here. He continued further into the room and turned to find the purpose of his search curled up on her side on Danny's pool table, fast asleep.

He pulled off his jacket and placed it on the office chair in front of Danny's computer before grabbing the blanket on the couch and bringing it to Lindsay. She was shivering and tears were flowing down her cheeks. He placed the blanket over her and pushed the wet hair off her face before finding a sear near the large window in front of her.

He watched as the rain pummeled the glass and as lightning flashed dimly in the distance. Soft rolls of thunder helped his tense body relax, but the soft sobs coming from his colleague made the experience of this gentle storm hard to enjoy. She was suffering through this and for once, Mac didn't know what to do. He normally had the answers everyone was looking for, but this was different. He knew what it was like to lose a loved one and how hard it was to recover from that. If Danny died, Lindsay would be a wreck and Mac knew it, but he also knew that he would not be able to comfort her because he would be the same way. Danny was like his son, his team was his family, and it was hard to watch any of them suffer.

He didn't know how long he had been staring out the window when he heard Lindsay stir on the pool table. He watched as she looked around, remembering where she was. She looked confused when she saw the blanket that covered her and then her eyes found him.

"Hey there, Lindsay," he said.

She took in a deep breath and stretched her sore body, remembering the last time she slept on that pool table and why she would never do it again. She took a deep breath as she stretched. Her eyes began to sting with the threat of tears as Danny's familiar scent filled her nose from the table's felt-like surface.

Mac got up and moved toward Lindsay who sat up, wrapping the blanket around her body. Mac sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders and she laid her head on his. "So, what's the problem?" he asked.

"Nothing."

"Alright, Danny."

"Wait, what?" she said, lifting her head from his shoulder, but he didn't look at her. He simply continued looking through the window, where the storm was gradually clearing.

"Sorry, I thought you were Danny for a minute, you know, trying to deal on your own."

Lindsay looked down at the floor, missing the small smirk that graced Mac's face. "I'm scared, Mac," she said quietly.

"Of what, Lindsay?"

"I've lost so many people in my life, Mac," she said, tears starting to fill her eyes and voice. "I was afraid to get close to Danny because I had convinced myself that the people I care about die. My grandma died when I was eight and my friends died when I was sixteen. I'm scared that now, when I'm only thirty-two, the love of my life is going to die and I don't think I could go through all of that again."

"Lindsay…"

"He knew I wouldn't be able to help him, that's why he didn't come to me when Ruben died," she interrupted, now looking out the clearing window. "He was right not to, apparently I can't handle these types of situations. I just…," her constricting throat cut her off.

"Just what, Linds?" asked Mac.

"I just don't want to be left alone again," she said quietly, turning her gaze to the floor.

"So," said Mac, his voice becoming a little sterner, "you would rather take a chance that Danny will die and push yourself away from him than stick by his side and give him strength in his fight to live."

Lindsay wouldn't even look at him. "You have to make a choice, Lindsay, and I would make it quickly. For once, I am going to force you to make a decision because I don't know if Danny has very long. I believe that he will make it, but the doctors were telling us otherwise, this might be his last night."

Lindsay solemnly looked at the floor, Mac could see the wheels in her head turning at full speed. "I'm so afraid to be hurt and left alone again, Mac. I can't go back."

Mac felt his shoulders slump a little at her response and realized that, for the first time, he was disappointed in the Montana girl. "So, you would rather let Danny die alone than take a chance and help him to live and continue to love you," he said, not as a question, but as a fact. His voice was hard and it caused Lindsay to look up at him in surprise. She didn't mean it like that.

"No, Mac, I…" she started.

"No, Lindsay, I'm talking to you as your friend now, not your boss," he said, his eyes stern but still filled with a glimmer of pain, causing her to look to the floor like a scolded child. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love and care about, but you don't see me running away. I know why you're doing this, you're afraid to feel the pain that you felt when your friends died again. I understand that you think by pushing him away it won't hurt as much if he dies, which is looking very likely right now, but you can't. By you pushing him away, you're taking away what he holds most dear, you. Trying to protect yourself is just going to leave Danny alone in his possibly dying minutes.

"I know the feeling you fear, Lindsay," said Mac as he took her chin in his hand and made her look into his eyes, "but I am still by his side. I would rather know that Danny died knowing I cared than to protect myself and wonder if it was the right thing to do later. The pain will heal, but the guilt you will feel if you push him away and he doesn't make it will haunt you forever."

Tears filled Lindsay's eyes and she looked away. "Fine," he said harshly, "I'm going back to the hospital to be with my friend. I only wish the woman he loves would have come with me to help him through this."

He walked away and grabbed his jacket off of the office chair before exiting the apartment with a slam of the door. Lindsay flinched from the offending noise, but her gaze did not falter from looking out the window. The clouds had begun to disappear and the rising sun was just starting to peak over the horizon, staining the sky purples and pinks.

'Mac's right, you know,' said the little Lindsay in her head.

_I know, but I can't do it. I can't go through that again._

'But what about Danny. You love him.'

_Yes, I know._

'So really, not being there for him would be worse than losing him.'

_But what if he dies?_

'What if he doesn't? What would Danny do if you were in his position?'

Lindsay looked out the window and watched as the sky changed slightly orange. "Danny would be there for me...," she said to herself.

She decided. She would be strong for Danny no matter what; live or die. She jumped off the pool table and quickly grabbed a coat out of Danny's closet. "Mac!" she yelled as she flung the door open quickly, hoping to catch him in time. As she started to run out, she stopped suddenly and smiled at the marine standing on the other side of the hall, leaning against the wall.

"That's our Montana girl."

* * *

You didn't really think I would let Lindsay get away that easily did you? So, I fed you the fic, now ignore the signs that say do not feed the authors and give me some reviews! (Wow, the things I say when I'm tired!)


	7. Reconciliation

Wow, it has been a really long time since I updated this one. Sorry about that. Anywho, Lindsay is finally on her way back to the hospital. Thanks to my readers, reviewers, and especially my beta **RyanLaurel**. So without further ado, warning and disclaimers the same with some stronger language, here is the next chapter.

* * *

"Reconciliation is to understand both sides; to go to one side and describe the suffering being endured by the other side, and then go to the other side and describe the suffering being endured by the first side."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

* * *

"What's the verdict, Doc?" asked Don as the doctor finished checking the different machines.

"I'm afraid his heart is getting weaker," said the doctor, shaking his head as he wrote on Danny's charts. "His heartbeat seems to be slowing three bpm's each hour and his blood pressure is still dropping. His wounds are still bleeding as well. To be honest, I am greatly concerned."

This was not what Flack had been hoping to hear. He wanted nothing more than for that doctor to say Danny was doing better and could wake up at any time. "Doctor, you don't mean…you're not tellin' me…"

"I'm sorry, Detective," he said placing his hand on Don's shoulder, "he could go at any time. I would say your goodbyes while you can." With that, the doctor walked out of Danny's room, closing the door behind him.

"This isn't happening," cried Stella softly from where she sat in the chair next to Danny's bed. She had noticed his heart slowing before the doctor had said it; it was gradual, but slowing nonetheless. "We're losing him just like we lost Aiden."

Sid and Hawks entered the room with Adam in tow, all looking very solemn. "The doctor just told us," said Hawks, shaking his head in disbelief.

Adam looked around the room as if he had expected to see someone. "Where's Lindsay?" he asked having not been present to witness her little escape. "I thought she would be in here with Danny?"

"Lindsay made a run for it," said Flack harshly.

"Flack," said Stella, warning in the single syllable, eyes ablaze with fire.

"No, Stel," said Flack, shooting an angry glare back at her. "How could she do this to him? Of all the people who should be here, his girlfriend is number one followed in close second by his best friend."

"Flack, you have to understand...," began Stella in an attempt to defend her friend.

"No, I don't," said Flack, turning to look at his best friend as the rising sun began to illuminate Danny's face. "I don't have to understand, and I don't want to understand. I know she's been through a lot, but so has he, and I know he would be in that chair, by her side, the _entire_ way if she were in his place."

"I know," came a soft voice from the door. Flack turned and was taken aback to see a drenched Lindsay standing just outside the doorway. "I should have been here the entire time, I see that. But I'm here now and I am willing to stay by his side, no matter what happens."

Everyone just sat there in silence for a moment, contemplating Lindsay's words, until Mac broke through. "Has the doctor said anything about his condition?"

Stella, Sid, Flack, Hawks and Adam all looked at each other, wondering which one of them was going to be brave enough to break the news to their companions. "They told us we should probably start saying our goodbyes," said Hawks, not really knowing how best to break the news, but willing to take the responsibility. He walked over and enveloped Lindsay in a hug, feeling her muscles go rigid from his words. "I am so sorry, Lindsay."

Lindsay began to shake and felt the need to run again. The images that had haunted her before resurfaced, but she stood her ground, determined to stand by him this time. She felt a strong hand squeeze her shoulder and she looked to see Mac, a weak smile on his face. "You alright?" he asked.

"For now," she said. "There's still a chance that he could pull through, right?" She tried to smile, but it came out looking pained, but to Mac, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that Lindsay wasn't loosing hope yet.

"Right," he said.

The door behind them opened and a stout, crabby looking nurse came into the room and, after looking a little surprised, glared at them. "What are you all still doing here?" she asked in a frogish voice.

Stella sent a death glare back at the old woman. "We're visiting our dying friend," she said, making sure the annoyance was evident in her voice.

"Visiting hours ended a long time ago," said the woman, making sure to stare down Mac. "You all have to leave."

"But, Danny is dying," said Lindsay, not able to keep the panic out of her voice. "I need to be here."

"Doesn't matter," said the nurse, now staring down Lindsay. "There are other patients trying to recover here and you all running around the hospital isn't helping anyone else. You can say your goodbyes and then out you go. You got a half an hour."

"But…" started Adam.

"You can come back at noon when visiting hours open again like the rest of New York," said the woman, walking up to Adam and prodding his shoulder with a body finger. The old woman waddled her way back to the door and began to leave. "Half an hour," she said, before closing the door behind her.

They all knew she was serious, so they decided to take turns saying goodbye, just in case. Lindsay refused to go first, actually she insisted on going last because she knew she had a tendency to ramble and wanted everyone to have the chance to talk to Danny. One by one, they entered Danny's room alone and stoic only to return a little later with tears streaming down their face. Mac was the only one who wasn't full blown crying when he exited the room, but then again, no one knew what had happened in there.

Flack came out of the room and was instantly enveloped in a hug from Stella as the young man was in a furious onslaught of tears. Lindsay felt for the man, knowing that, like Danny, he hated having people see his emotions other than love and happiness. Lindsay couldn't help but feel sorry for Flack. He and Danny had been friends since they graduated from the academy almost ten years ago and they were very close. She didn't know what he was going to do without Danny, and to be honest, neither did Flack.

Finally, it was Lindsay's turn with five minutes before the visiting hours Nazi came back to usher them out. She went in the room an quietly shut the door cutting of the sobs of her friends and filling her ears with the sounds of the machines helping him breath and reading his vitals. The slow beeping of the heart monitor was what bothered her most, reminding her that he was slowly fading away from her.

She slipped her hand into his, careful not to shake lose any of the tubes and needles leading into his arms. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath before starting.

"Hey Danny," she said quietly. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, it's just…Danny, I'm…I'm scared, ok? There, I said it. Everything about this, about you, is scaring me."

Suddenly, the words she had been feeling just started to slip off her tongue. "You know I love your passion of everything you do and I know you don't like people to see your emotions. I know and love that weird sense of responsibility you have about all of the people you love.

"When I was a little girl, I was always one of those who dreamt of finding the prince that would love me and keep me out of harms way. Who knew that when I grew up, I would actually find what I was looking for? Well, maybe not the prince part…"

She imagined the reaction she would have gotten from him and looked at his face. Though it was unchanged, she decided to go with it just in case he could hear her. "Don't look at me in that tone of voice (1), Messer," she bantered, "you ain't a prince, but I would take your motorcycled pauper ass over any pompous horse rider any day.

"But as much as I love your passion, the way you deal with the emotions that come with it is the scary part. I saw the way you acted with Ruben's death. I'm terrified of the day someone closer to you dies, like Louie or your parents…or me. I worry that you would go into such a depressed spiral that you would do something you would regret, or worse. I just wish you would open up to me. I know I said I wasn't very good at these sort of things, but at least let me try to help you. Let me help you diffuse some of that emotional energy before it destroys you."

Lindsay took another deep breath. She was beginning to talk very fast and she wanted to do this right. So, after a moment of calming down, she continued.

"But that isn't what is scaring me most; what is, is right here in front of me. Danny, the doctors say that there is a big chance that you won't make it through this. I'm trying really hard to be positive, but every time I look at you, I see you bleeding on the ground, or almost dying in the ambulance, or…or my friends lying dead on the floor of that restaurant." Her voice began to shake and tears welled into her eyes.

_No,_ she thought forcing her tears back and her voice to steady. _I told myself I wasn't going to cry for this. _"I'm going to be strong for you," she said softly.

"Danny, I just got you back and I'm terrified of losing you again. You make me happy, Danny; you make each day exciting and worth getting up for, even if it's only to see your face.

"I don't know if you can hear me, and if you can, you don't even have to say it back if you don't want to, but I love you, Danny Messer. I know our actions say it, but I wanted to _actually_ say it. If you don't make it through this, I just want to make sure that I physically told you what you mean to me. I love you, Danny, and I always will, no matter what happens.

"Don't worry, Danny, you won't be alone in this world anymore. I'm begging you to fight for me, for us. I need you here, Danny, and so does everyone else."

There was a loud knock on the door before it was thrust open and the small, froggy nurse stepped into the room. Her hair was disheveled and she looked rather angry. "I told you, you had to be out of here ten minutes ago," she said angrily, her eyes narrowed at Lindsay.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, but added more forcefully, "but I don't really give a fuck about _your_ timeline and when _you_ say I have to be out of here. The man I love is dying and I will take as long as I damn well please to say what I need to say." The nurse looked at her astounded that anyone would talk to her that way. Lindsay just barely caught a sight of Flack snickering, as best as one could in their situation, before continuing with the nurse. "Now I will respect your authority and leave for the evening, but you can bet your ass I'm gonna be back here well before noon to see him, and I just dare you to stop me."

Lindsay turned to Danny and placed a kiss on his forehead before saying kindly, "Goodbye, Cowboy. I'll be back in the morning. I love you." With that, she pushed by the stout woman and walked down the hallway, followed closely by the others.

_Don't worry, Danny, I'll be back._

Unknown to her, if she would have stayed just a moment longer, she would have seen Danny's fingers twitch and a solitary tear slide down his pale cheek.

* * *

So, how did I do? Do you think he is gonna pull through or turn this bad boy into a tragedy? I literally wrote Lindsay's speech in one sitting, free written. I didn't fix it, because I wanted it to seem as rough and jumpy as it would be in the real world if this was happening. No smooth romatic speeches in this universe folks! My personal favorite part was when Lindsay went off on the nurse. I had fun writting that part. Don't flame me because I made the group have to leave.

1- My roommate/best friend/ beta says this to me a lot (ok, more like once or twice, but that's beside the point). I laughed at it and thought it was funny so I stuck it in there to lighten the mood.


	8. Realization

Alright, no reasons for late updates, you're just gonna have to deal with that for a while. Anyway, it's great to be working on this again. It's going to be a while between updates, you have been warned...again. ANYWHO...I hope you enjoy this chapter as well as the little bombshell that is going to be dropped in episode 101 of CSI NY! I don't want to spoil it. Hope you enjoy.

Disclaimers and warnings are the same. Short, sweet, to the point.

* * *

**"But they whose guilt within their bosoms lie imagine every eye beholds their blame."**

**-William Shakespeare**

* * *

"Yo, Messer," came a female voice as he felt a slight smack on his shoulder, "be awake when somebody's talkin' to ya."

A low, tired and irritated groan emitted from the man. "Not now, Aiden. Leave me alone," he said as he rubbed his face. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he sat up so fast his head began to spin. "Aiden?!"

"Hey there, Casanova," she said, giving him a one shake wave.

"Oh shit, if your…then Rikki …Oh my God…Lindsay…," he stumbled, too many thoughts in his mind at once. He rested his head in his hands as the memories of what had occurred in the past twenty-four hours. "Am I…?" Danny began to ask, unable to finish the dreaded question.

"…dead?" finished Aiden. "Nah, not yet anyway." She laughed a little at her old friend, but she felt sorry for him at the same time. She had never seen him this distraught, well, at least not when she was alive, but now she knew everything.

Danny looked up at her and noticed how beautiful she looked. Her brown hair was slightly blowing in the inexistent wind and the snow-white dress she wore contrasted her dark eyes perfectly. She seemed to have a golden glow around her and though she had her angelic features, Danny noticed she still had that devilish smile. "So, am I hallucinating or something?"

"No, Messer, you're in a kind of…," she said waving her hand in an attempt to find the right words, "…in between area; a place between life and death."

"But, hold on…" Danny began, but he was interrupted.

"Shush, I woke you up for a reason now listen," Aiden scolded, causing Danny to clam up in agitation. Despite this, he began to hear something, obviously the something Aiden had woken him for.

"_Hey Danny_," said a soft feminine voice, but it was echoing, like he was at the opposite end of a tunnel from the speaker. "_Look, I'm sorry about yesterday, it's just…Danny, I'm…I'm scared, ok? There, I said it. Everything about this, about you, is scaring me_."

Danny turned to Aiden with a surprised look on his face. "Lindsay?" he asked and received a nod and a smile from her. She looked up as if that was where the speaker was; Danny followed suit only to see a soft white light.

"_You know I love your passion of everything you do and I know you don't like people to see your emotions. I know and love that weird sense of responsibility you have about all of the people you love."_

Danny sat there, hanging on her every word.

"_When I was a little girl, I was always one of those who dreamt of finding the prince that would love me and keep me out of harms way. Who knew that when I grew up, I would actually find what I was looking for? Well, maybe not the prince part…"_

Danny's eyes widened and furled his eyebrows. "Hey," he said in a shocked tone. He looked to the side and shot his friend an irritated glare, as she had apparently found Lindsay's words extremely funny, before returning his gaze back to the sky.

"_Don't look at me in that tone of voice, Messer_," she bantered, "_you ain't a prince, but I would take your motorcycled pauper ass over any pompous horse rider any day."_ A smile returned to his lips. That was definitely his Montana.

"_But as much as I love your passion, the way you deal with the emotions that come with it is the scary part. I saw the way you acted with Ruben's death. I'm terrified of the day someone closer to you dies, like Louie or your parents…or me. I worry that you would go into such a depressed spiral that you would do something you would regret, or worse. I just wish you would open up to me. I know I said I wasn't very good at these sort of things, but at least let me try to help you. Let me help you diffuse some of that emotional energy before it destroys you."_

He couldn't stand the thought of Lindsay dying and pushed the images away. She didn't deserve what he did, she was innocent and loving. He had wanted so much to run to her these past few weeks, but he didn't want to scare her away. He didn't want her to see him as weak. He had decided to do things the way he always did, ever since he was young, and push the problem away until he was numb to it. Lindsay didn't deserve to carry his burden.

"_But that isn't what is scaring me most; what is, is right here in front of me. Danny, the doctors say that there is a really big chance that you won't make it through this."_

Danny looked over at Aiden, but she looked away from him. She hadn't told him that part yet, and though she felt the need to tell Danny everything about what had gone on since he was shot, she knew he needed to listen to every word his 'Montana' said. She simply waved off his questioning look and pointed back up toward the sky in a silence order to listen now and get an explanation later.

"_I'm trying really hard to be positive, but every time I look at you, I see you bleeding on the ground, or almost dying in the ambulance, or…or my friends lying dead on the floor of that restaurant." _He could hear her voice starting to shake and it brought tears to his eyes, he never wanted to make her feel like this, not again.

"_I'm going to be strong for you." _Her voice was merely a whisper.

"You shouldn't have to be," he said back, knowing full well she couldn't hear him.

"_Danny, I just got you back and I'm terrified of losing you again. You make me happy, Danny; you make each day exciting and worth getting up for, even if it's only to see your face._

"_I don't know if you can hear me, and if you can, you don't even have to say it back if you don't want to, but I love you, Danny Messer. I know our actions say it, but I wanted to _actually_ say it. If you don't make it through this, I just want to make sure that I physically told you what you mean to me. I love you, Danny, and I always will, no matter what happens."_

Danny stood gaping at the ceiling. She loved him. His Montana LOVED him! He felt his heart jump at the words in both euphoria and fear. No one, other than Louie, had ever said they loved him, not even his mother. He could hear the sincerity in her voice and felt tears welling in his eyes. "Lindsay," he whispered.

"_Don't worry, Danny, you won't be alone in this world anymore. I'm begging you to fight for me, for us. I need you here, Danny, and so does everyone else."_

There was a long pause and Danny turned to Aiden. He wanted to ask her a question, but she held up her hand for silence, never taking her eyes off the ceiling. Danny suddenly felt a familiar soft, warm pressure on his forehead before hearing, _"Goodbye, Cowboy. I'll be back in the morning. I love you."_

Aiden lowered her hand and her head and turned to Danny. "I like her," she said in a chipper tone.

"Yeah," said Danny quietly still looking at the sky, "me, too." He hesitated before asking a question he was dreading to hear the answer to. "Aiden, what happened to me?"

"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked hesitantly. She really didn't want to be having this conversation, but when the Big Guy says it's important…

"I remember…Mac's face, Lindsay crying, and Flack holding something against my shoulder," said Danny, his eyes downcast in concentration. "Then everything went black. What happened?" he asked raising his eyes to his long-time friend.

"Rikki shot you, Danny," said Aiden quickly, wanting to get this part over with, "twice. She shot you in the shoulder and in the gut with your own gun. Don was trying to stop the bleeding and your heart stopped. He and Mac gave you CPR and got you back. Lindsay rode with you in the ambulance when your heart stopped again." Danny looked at her in shock and she her posture visibly slackened. She hadn't even gotten to the worst part yet. "You're in a coma, Messer. They don't know if you're gonna wake up."

Danny sat silent for a while, his face solemn and his eyes distant. "How is Lindsay holding up after that?"

"She's scared and tired, but so is everyone else."

"Is there anything that you can do for her, you know, make her not worry about me so much?"

"Angels can't interfere with human emotion, Danny."

"What if I kick off?"

"Sensitive way to put it, Messer," said Aiden with a smile, one which Danny did not return. "Keep the faith, man. It's a long shot, but you could still pull through this."

Danny remained silent, looking off into the distance opposite of Aiden. "Danny, you do want to pull through, don't you?!" she asked extremely concerned. Never in her wildest dreams had she thought he wouldn't want to go back.

"Maybe," he said sadly, "I'm just so tired."

"Danny, think about this!" she said. "Do you really want to leave everyone behind?"

Danny shook his head exhaustedly. "I don't know, just promise me you'll look out for her, ok?"

"You love her, don't you, Danny?" she asked.

Danny hesitated, "Yeah," he said.

"Wait, wait, wait!" yelled Aiden, trying to change the mood. "Why did you hesitate?" She got up and plopped down next to him, turning him to look at her.

"I don't know," said Danny defensively, "'I love you' is…huge. I mean, yeah, I've thought about me and her staying together…for a long time, but…" He looked into Aiden's pleading eyes and his walls broke. "Yes, I do love her," he said quietly.

"I knew it!" yelled Aiden jumping to her feet. She looked up to the ceiling again and yelled, "You hear that, Britney! I win!"

"What the hell?!" yelled Danny as he had jumped at her outburst. "Are you betting on me? In _heaven_?"

"Calm down, Messer," she said with her hands on her hips, "it's just verbal, nothin' won, nothin' lost." Danny just continued to look at her in shock. "What? You don't think we have fun in heaven?"

"Well, I'm sure you do but…wait, who's Britney?"

"Lindsay's angel," smiled Aiden.

Danny let a small, sad smile grace his lips. "Good, at least she has someone there for her that she can count on."

"She can count on you."

Danny let out a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah, just like Ruben could count on me. I'm no good to anyone, Aiden. I couldn't protect you, I couldn't protect Ruben, I shot a cop, my brother is in a coma because of me. Yeah, I'm a real reliable guy." Danny's voice was getting louder and more harsh as he continued his rant.

"Danny," said Aiden as gently yet sternly as she could, "I have been following you for years now, why haven't you told anyone you feel this way?"

"Because I can take care of this on my own," said Danny, his voice becoming cold and distant. "No one deserves to have my shit dumped on their doorstep."

"So you pushed everyone away," said Aiden, her voice beginning to rival Danny's in irritation, "you pushed her away!"

"Yes, so I can deal with this!" Danny was now on his feet, Aiden was soon to follow.

"So you are trying to deal with your problems!"

"Apparently!"

"But you need her with you!"

"YES!"

A look of shock struck Danny's face as an accomplished grin spread on Aiden's. Danny sank back to his seat and cradled his head in his hands. At the sight, Aiden's smile disappeared and she took a seat next to her friend. The seriousness resonated in the air.

"She really is good for you, ya know that?" she said softly.

"I know, Aiden…"

"So why do you push her away?" Aiden asked, placing her hand on his shoulder. It fest as if a warm light was passing from her hand into his body, bringing with it a sort of calming sensation. He shrugged her hand off and his hand dropped, though his head remained bowed.

"Because she deserves better," he said quietly. "Someone who isn't a monster."

Danny felt Aiden grab his arm quickly followed by a quick slap to the face. Danny kept his face turned away from her, but he could sense her anger. "I know you were stubborn, but I never thought you were stupid, comparing yourself with the scum you and I cleaned up everyday. _You _didn't tell him to ride ahead, and before you fight me on it, you told him he could ride to the corner," she said, cutting off his argument before he could start it. "_You_ didn't send him ahead to get shot, Danny," she said turning his head to her. "You cared for him like he was your own son, you loved that boy."

"You don't get it, Aid," said Danny quietly.

Aiden sighed heavily. "No, Danny, it's you who doesn't get it…" Suddenly, the light of realization graced her face. "But I think I know someone who can get through to you."

"What are you…" started Danny.

"Wait here," she interrupted, leaving in a quick flash of silvery light. A moment later, the light returned to Danny's presence, and young child's hand in hers.

Danny sat staring at the pair, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "Hey, Danny," said the young boy happily.

Danny couldn't believe it, but was able to stutter, "R-Ruben?"

* * *

Do me a favor and tell me how I did after my long absence, k?


End file.
